What I Think About Almost Every Day

This is the first time I will be open about this.

I hate being anxious about my book releases because I feel that I’ve failed the publisher. Sa totoo lang, I grew up to be this person who believes that everything must be free. Kaya siguro ako namimigay ng soft copies noon. Okey lang naman sa ‘kin . . . gano’n din naman ako. At the same time, I understand that this has been a source of income for others. After all, we’re all human beings trying to survive. Kaya tinanggal ko yung soft copies to respect this part of the writing path.

My point is, I create for free. I post them on Wattpad and let viewers read them for free. I care less about the numbers, to be honest. It’s true that I write because there’s an idea waiting to be released, but I acknowledge that my pseudonym is nothing if not for my loyal readers. I know I just need to create more relatable, valuable content. Isa pa, whenever I attempt to post the number of reads my work has gained, ako pa yung nakokonsensiya. Maybe my followers don’t want to hear about it? Does my tone seem arrogant? Is it okay to post that I was proud of my work? Minsan iniisip ko, Bakit ang hilig mo i-discredit ang sarili mo? Wala rin akong sagot.

And when a publisher tries to contact me, I don’t think of myself; I think of them. They trusted my work, they believed in it, and they’re giving it a chance. And when I feel like they’re not gaining from my work, I also feel like I have failed them. I want them to succeed and me to be a part of it. Ah, lagi na lang ako ganito. How to unlearn this? It’s so hypocritical of me to encourage younger readers to keep on writing when I myself has no faith in my work. Kaya minsan mas gusto ko na lang magbasa and then keep my scribbles to myself (but still I end up posting them anyway).

Hay, puta. Iiyak muna ako tapos babangon na lang ulit.

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