Trigger warning. Don’t read beyond this point for self-care. Or if gusto niyo lang maka-relate, that’s okay. But if you think you’re also unstable like me and this will trigger something in you, maybe get someone whom you can hug after.
Hi, here I am again, rambling about how I’m not sure with my life anymore. Maybe I’m writing this just in case . . . you know. Journal ba? A proof of how I battled my insecurity, anxiety, and the lack of will to live. Pero napapatanong din ako: Bakit kailangan ng proof? I’ll never know what I’ll leave anyway. Siguro kasi it feels nice to let this out. It feels nice when people can relate and somehow virtually hug you. Ewan.
Alam n’yo yung hindi ka na sigurado sa lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay mo? I always tell myself, “May pinagaralan ka naman. Graduate ka naman ng UP. Published author ka pa. Ano’ng nangyayari sa ‘yo?” But maybe that’s the root of my anxiety—I have set high expectations for myself. And now that I’m nearing 30, I’m not anywhere near where I wanted to be.
But where do I want to be? Basta sigurado ako hindi ito ‘yon.
I was a teacher in a private school before, left because I was unhappy with my salary and I had an opportunity to teach in public school. But I also left public school teaching because I was too afraid to be sucked in a system that requires us to set high expectations for kids but drowns its teachers with unnecessary paperwork and low compensation. Iyon sana yung gusto kong matutunan at ipaglaban kaya I accepted the opportunity to work in the government, but because I was geared toward editing and lacked mentorship doon sa dapat na goal ko, I changed my career path yet again.
But editing and content writing made me sit eight hours a day and stressed me about two things I loved doing—writing and reading. Kaya to me, o siguro para sa tulad kong na maraming gusto gawin, I should have separated my hobby from my source of income. Marahil yung iba, sinasabi na, “Buti ka nga combined na yung hobby at work mo, e. Hindi ka ba nag-e-enjoy?”
Well, if I were enjoying, I shouldn’t have written this post.
E, pa’no? When I try to find opportunities, kailangan ng MA, kailangan ng experience. Where will I get this? I haven’t even saved enough dahil ngayon ko pa lang inuumpisahan ang mabuhay nang nasa tamang direksiyon, or whatever this may be called, thanks to insurance companies that made me realize that. De puta, ang dami ko kasing expectations sa sarili ko, ano? Gusto na by 30, settled na. E, self, ano ba? Aabot ka ba ng 30 kung unstable ka?
I actually researched about painless methods, but I ended up with “It is a temporary solution to circumstances. And circumstances change.” Oo, sobrang paiba-iba nga ng circumstances, nahihirapan ako. Like one week, I’m super positive that I can do this. The next week, gusto ko na naman mawala.
Okay na. Tumigil na yung panginginig at pag-iyak. Back to regular programming. I hope not to write another post like this.
Ang hirap-hirap hanapin ng contentment.