My younger brother dreamed about my mother the other day. He said he was seated on her lap in a cradle position when my mother asked me to call Papa and announce she was there. While I was on the phone, she told my brother, “Hindi ko kaya na wala kayo.”
She has entered my dreams several times, one where I was so happy that I saw her alive, only to sob upon waking up after realizing it was a dream.
Today the mother of someone I know celebrated her birthday, and the latter told me they were taking a trip to the mall. She was able to treat her mother, a thing I wasn’t able to do with Mama alone (since we go out as a family). “Ang sarap sa pakiramdam,” she said, to which I replied, “Do that more often dahil tumatanda na si Tita.” And then I added, “Di ko ‘yan nagawa kay Mama.”
My mother and I disagreed a lot of times, but when both of us were already mature enough to accept our flaws and forgive our mistakes, the universe only gave us four years. I thought I had more, even planned on treating her to Batanes, but death took her away.
Ewan, I know I have written several blogs about missing her. Same content, same longing. But writing is the only way I know to release the agony so I could focus on things I could still change. Madalas nga, sa sobrang nami-miss ko siya, along with other factors, naiisip ko na ring sumunod. But what else could I do besides tapping myself on the back while convincing myself to “stay strong”?