Emotional after Rewriting 548 Heartbeats

Here’s the link to 548 Heartbeats: https://www.wattpad.com/story/7858421-548-heartbeats. What to expect:

  • Dialogue tags
  • Clearer perspectives (Rai and Kyle, most especially)
  • No song lyrics, but I embedded Youtube links
  • Timeline changes to fix plot holes

I am not cross-posting this on Facebook or Twitter as I needed to vent, which I am only allowing my WordPress followers to read.

I was glad that I made time to edit the 2008 version, realizing two things: one was how ignorant I was during my teens, insensitively using words I thought were romantic before; and second was how I had concrete dreams when I was seventeen, clearly projecting these to my protagonist in chapter 53.

Reflecting on how idealistic I was before gave me a panic attack. And here I am, trying to make sense as I babble words while crying about this matter for the nth time. Who or what made me this way—an individual who, at her late twenties, has not yet decided what she wanted to be? Why have I chosen this path instead of sticking to my 2008 goals? Change, of course. As I remind myself every time, these changes do not mean I’ve made the wrong choices.

But right now, why does it feel that I have?

In 2016, I started Lost and Found as a reflection on toxic relationships and self-discoveries. There, my protagonist, Tasha, finds “relief in getting lost.” Why do I always do that—projecting who or what I wanted to be in a character? I wanted to be fine not being able to find what suits me the most, but the continuous rejections of a new life keep on piling up.

Because you know what? As much as I would love to write forever, writing alone will not fund my survival, and it’s a harsh reality I had to take in. Editing for eight hours or more, as I have experienced in my previous job, made me tired of words—which I needed to write. This would be a good sideline, but with the textbook publication not in season and with applications like Grammarly, it’s hard to find sideline jobs. Teaching is not an option as of this moment as it would limit the freedom I enjoyed while not being in this field: minor being my hair and being able to travel without worrying about a parent or a student seeing me, and major being the values I hold (imagine entering as a teacher in a private school where the HR had to search about you and discovered you wrote a lesbian romance novel, which is against their values; or as a public school teacher where you are reminded not to join partisan political activities). I wanted to try project management, but with college events only as my experience, I am at the bottom of their list.

I’ll end this here. I need to breathe.

2 thoughts on “Emotional after Rewriting 548 Heartbeats

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