Reflecting on My Own Toxic

So it’s extra painful learning that a close friend chooses to unfollow me. I began to search for tweets that might have offended this person. Maybe the “men are trash” movement? Maybe he was against my views on politics? Maybe I liked too many posts, and then this Twitter algorithm posts them like retweets, which shouldn’t be? Maybe I talked too much online?

Remember, this is not just any person I know. He was one of my closest friends, and I still consider him as one, even when years of should-have-been-friendship have gone to waste because he stopped communicating for reasons I respected. He even attended my mother’s funeral.

Sorry, I am fragile when it comes to friendships. Doble sakit, e, especially when you treasured this person for a long time.

I took a step back, trying to reflect. Maybe I was too toxic. I began to wonder if I post too often. Pero bakit di na lang niya ako i-mute? Sabagay, who am I to decide? It’s his account anyway.

Sa akin lang, masakit. That’s why I’m writing this at midnight where my followers are probably asleep.

The more I reflect, the more I hate myself for even speaking out. To me, social media is an avenue where I can express my feelings, hoping I can find someone whom I can relate to or discuss with. Sometimes I want to go back in time. I wish I hadn’t revealed myself, or I wish I made up a name.

Sana di na lang kasi talaga ako nagsalita.

***

So I paused because I cried and I cannot breathe. Tangina this anxiety.

Maybe I’m doing it all wrong. Maybe I should have not spoken up. I made another account where no one follows me, where only I can rant all the way I can⁠. About the government, my music taste, my everyday struggles, my beliefs on sexuality and religion—things that maybe he doesn’t want to see and hear. I unfollowed artists and celebrities in my other account but followed them on the other.

I still need a platform where I can react and probably ease the frustration I feel.

I am apologizing in advance if you feel that I am not using my author account to speak up for the oppressed. I will use my other account for this. From now on, I will only post story-related tweets. I won’t cross-post my blogs there anymore; this will be the last one.

I am sorry if I talk too often than expected. I’m quieter personally, and I love being able to express my feelings (1) without facing people and (2) with a cohesive thought, which I can rarely, almost never, do face to face.

***

I had to pause again.

I dislike this feeling—apologizing for matters they tell me I shouldn’t be apologizing. Still, I hate doubting myself as much as I hate doubting people I once treasured.

Anyway, for those who read my blogs even when I don’t cross-post them on Twitter, thank you. If I seldom tweet, and you’ll soon notice the pattern, it’s because of this. Maybe I’m overthinking, but I’m always this person who thinks that a glass is half empty rather than half full.

My personal choice? An upbringing turned to mental illness? Maybe.

P.S. I do not have the strength to message this person privately because I suck at communicating, as I said too many times in this post. Whereas here, I could pause and then cry and then breathe and then write with full consciousness.

2 thoughts on “Reflecting on My Own Toxic

  1. Hi Ate Peach, just wanted you to know na isa ako sa laging nagbabasa ng mga tweets mo regarding issues that pertains the actual society. Although some issues ay mayroon tayong pagkakaiba ng opinyon, I still like to read your tweets and your opinion dahil madami akong napupulot na bagong ideas at mas naiintindihan ko ang side ng isa pang opinyon.

    548.

    Like

  2. But I love seeing your re/tweets about your interests :( Una kong nalaman yung kay Taylor nung nag-tweet kang aalisin mo sa playlist mo nga kanta nya. Sayo ko rin unang nalaman yung sagot kung bakit “men are trash” kasi kung hindi ko nabasa yun, iisipin ko pa rin na ~paano naman yung ibang lalaki? ~nasaan ang equality sa “men are trash”? Ganern. Dami ko kayang natututunan sayo. Pero syempre, Ate, kung anong gusto mo, kung saan ka comfortable, go lang. Magbabasa na lang ako ng mga future blogs mo (di pa pala ako tapos sa old blogs 😅). Sana okay ka lang bago ka matulog ngayon >< Good night.

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