Remember when I posted a blog about being excited on taking a master’s degree in creative writing as if I were fully aware of what I want for my future already?
Well, thanks to self-doubt, I lost all my motivation.
I was browsing the course requirements, both in creative writing and malikhaing pagsulat. God was I discouraged with my thoughts on how these classes would turn out.
I was never really good in speaking English, really. I was never good at writing critical essays either. See, if you notice my “movie reviews,” which are actually just reactions, they are always bulleted. Maybe because as a mathematically trained individual, we were taught to find the shortest solution to arrive at an answer. I like it straight to the point.
But as I grow older, reading movie critics’ essays made me realize that I lacked depth. I wish I knew more about Philippine history. I wish I knew more about philosophies. I’ve been one of the honorable mentions in class, all because I memorized dates and people and definitions . . . because tests were mostly multiple choice, fill in the blanks, match A and B.
In the end, it’s not about learning. It’s about attaining a high grade.
Thinking of it, my essays were graded a B or a C, with red marks on grammatical errors, but what was lacking and how I could improve were never mentioned. On the other hand, I understand that my English teachers had 100+ essays more to grade. (Segue, it may seem that the 1:30 teacher-student ratio is fulfilled, but when it comes to grading, it is actually 1:150, having five sections to teach in a day. I somehow understand why teachers would want a multiple-choice test.)
My self-doubt is really coming from “What if they speak English so well?” And I’d be that little mushroom, afraid to speak, afraid to commit mistakes. Saying “don’t be afraid to make mistakes” is easy, but not for someone who has been trained during their formative years that perfection is the only way to success.
I wish I were told more often that it was okay to commit mistakes.
I’m not sure if that’s the root of all self-doubt I am having right now. And again, I’m in this black hole of uncertainty.
Why is removing this in my system is so difficult?