Remembering Six Years Ago

I’m in the middle of work, and I paused to check on my Twitter, only to see sablay pics.

Again, I remember the time when I rebelled a week before my graduation. I remember borrowing sablay from one of my orgmates (because I had no enough money), and I didn’t want to burden anyone that time.

I remember that I was crying while lining up toward the stage, not because I was graduating but because I thought my family wasn’t there to see me graduate. One of my colleagues asked me why, and I remember answering, “I’ll miss UP.”

I remember bumping into my mom in the restroom. I thought she was going to embrace me because I wanted to, but no. We just looked at each other’s eyes and passed by. My mom and I were so much the same; we were very prideful.

My graduation is one of the most painful moments in my life that’s why I want to go somewhere else when I see graduation pictures. See, I don’t have one with oble or the sunflowers. I remember wanting to rest after graduation because of the emotional turmoil I went through. I had no proof of that day except the pain it left.

And after n years and moments of making amends, I have decided the degree I wanted to pursue, no pressure from colleagues or relatives–just the degree I wanted. My mom would be no longer there to witness it, and we wouldn’t be able to recreate a scene I would want to erase from my memories. I wanted her to be there on my next wearing of sablay, this time on my own, but she wouldn’t be able to.

It’s 8:31 in the morning, and I remember you, Ma. And I’m crying . . . again. Haha. Now I am having secondthoughts of taking MA just because you’re not there to witness it, weird no? Haha. I miss your “Kailan ka ba mag-MA? Mag-MA ka na, anak.”

I want you to be there, holding your cellphone, witnessing me parading with a sablay on my left. This time, it would be different. We wouldn’t pass by each other, and we would embrace each other tight. And you’ll tell me, “PhD na!” Haha.

But of course, you can’t now. And I am left with my longing of you and of imagining a lovely scene we were not able to make years ago. Maybe, maybe, somewhere in another universe. Pero sana, sa universe na ito na lang.

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