Figuring Everything Out

I was known to be a very efficient individual—all things scheduled on my phone (even the date I should cut my nails), all events written on my organizer, all work done at the end of the day.

I don’t know what —— happened to me.

I no longer have time to write a new chapter or read another book or compose another song or watch an episode of a series or draw and edit or even strum a chord on my guitar. What the hell happened?

Why am I tired of everything?

Maybe because I’m spending two to three hours in commuting? Or my skill set is not aligned with my job’s required skill set? Like . . . I am required to read and edit 3,200 words per hour, but I could only do 1,200 words . . . honestly. And I always compare myself with my coworkers. Bakit sila kaya naman? 

Maybe because I feel that I’m getting dumber and dumber as I grow old as if I were losing purpose . . . or am I? Is self-esteem and age inversely proportional? My productivity seems to be diminishing. My will to do things with a purpose is disappearing. Where is my why?

Maybe because the people in my circle are already graduating either with their second course or their master’s degree. Pero ako . . . bakit hindi ko pa rin makita kung anong gusto ko kuhanin? I often feel that I’m stuck.

Where is my creative self? Where did my ambitions go?

That “lahat naman tayo mamamatay” doesn’t help. It’s mediocre . . . and I know I have to stop reasoning that way. Paano ba? How do I regain the will to live? No matter how I tell myself to breathe slowly because I hope that everything will eventually be in place, I still find myself running to nowhere, palpitating, trying to catch my breath. At this age, why haven’t I figured out my life yet?

Imagine living twenty-seven years because you just had to. I know many of us are suffering that way of thinking, yet while we know we have to get out of it, we don’t know when, where, and how to start. Worse is when we start to ask, “Why is there a need to?”

Sigh.

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