Mama

So I’m in the middle of work, crying, just because I kissed my mom’s forehead and said good night.

It’s so difficult to see her like this. It’s so difficult to see someone whom you grow up with slowly losing energy. She would sleep almost the whole day, eating almost nothing. My younger brother would act like the eldest among us three, forcing her to eat so she could get the nutrients she needed.

Naisip ko, totoo talaga ‘yong sinabi ni Mama dati. Mas gusto ko nga talaga na marinig siyang magtatatalak kesa ‘yong makita ko siyang ganito. We shared some fights, and for everyone who doesn’t know, naglayas ako sa bahay sa loob ng isang taon. It was because of a fight with her, and I could remember every detail of it. It was a week before graduation. Imagine not being with your family to celebrate your graduation . . .

But we’ve forgiven each other, and all I wanted now was for each of us to be happy. She would be there on my wedding, on my child’s first birthday, and I’ll be there on her 60th, her 70th . . . and maybe her 80th and 90th birthday.

Ang sakit na ng ulo ko kakaiyak. I can’t tell this at work, worried that they’d tell me I couldn’t separate personal matters from professional work. I’ve been given a talent to create a facade for like . . . how many months? But I can no longer hold it. I’m sharing this with the Internet, maybe trying to find some comforting words from people I don’t know or to distract me from thinking about something I didn’t want to happen or to just let this fuck’n pain out of me tapos dinamay ko kayo. And for that, I’m sorry.

I thought she was already okay, but here we go again.

So for all of you, I know you have quarrels with your parents. But never forget to kiss your parents good night. They like that so much.

I like it too . . . if only I could do it for more years.

Please, give us more years.

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