My Words and My Silence

Somehow I find it unnecessary to talk just because you feel there’s a need to. Perhaps to break the awkwardness or to liven up the room. As I age, I learned to appreciate silence. Awkward silence happens when words stop coming after pushing yourself to talk.

If I could avoid talking, I would. I would rather communicate via e-mail, social media, and text messages. There is a feeling of guilt whenever I speak unless if I was required to (1) provide input (2) answer questions (3) ask for further data.

I realized that this is the reason why I enjoy being a writer. I do not need to talk with anyone except myself. Comments are online. My readers are online. Therefore, there is no need to consume much energy.

But this opposes my desire to teach. “I am required to talk” may be logical, but even when I already experienced being drained, I still miss teaching. There will be times that I have to remind myself that I chose this, but at the end of the year, I still know why I have to talk and why I have to consume so much energy. Maybe because there is a strong sense of purpose? I have to find out why.

Some would not understand this. I am an introvert, yes. I want my own corner, yes. I may only do what is required, yes; and with clear instructions, I will do this exceptionally. I am this person who will solemnly lie beneath a tree to appreciate the night sky; this person who will be in the (0, y) corner of the room to have an overview of the whole room; and this person who will be intimidating you with silence and only with silence alone.

So if I entrusted you with my nonobligatory words, I could also entrust you my feelings; then, it must be, you are someone special.