I opened up to some of my colleagues about my weird thinking of wanting to have a set of friends even when my fear of emotional attachment has been discouraging me ever since. For a moment I thought it was just my introversion that lets me make it happen, but there’s a part wherein I question others’ existence as if mixing solipsism and the parallel universe theory. My awareness that it was stubborn made me feel worse.
I used to think that everyone and everything were just accessories of the world I am in. They move because they have to; they exist because I exist. I changed my thinking to maybe, there were others like me who were given a special world to live in… but does it make it less vain?
Because of this belief, I became obsessed of finding someone who could understand the way I think, and empathize with this loneliness. I needed a contradiction.
Luckily I found one, and he eased a part of the emptiness. I enjoyed the moments with him, the aliveness I felt when I was with him… or at least the thought of not being alone.
The problem enters when there’s a sudden rebirth of emptiness and we’re not together. The desire of having someone physically present, ready to console me in moments of misery recurs. Not particularly a love interest, but someone who feels the same emptiness…someone who can communicate his/her desire to be loved through silence.
The frustration gets worse when I hear “the answers you are looking for are within you” from others because I am not simply questioning why I think like this. I need to feel I coexist with others.