I have this Body Dysmorphic Disorder or BDD. To keep it short, BDD is a psychological disorder wherein the affected person gets concerned on his body features almost every second of his/her life, resulting to stress and/or depression.
I learned this during my second year in college when my Stat 101 professor gave us a questionnaire which contains questions like “Do you fix the flaws on your clothes?”.
This is the reason why I don’t wear shorts and rarely wear dresses; the reason why I could take a bath in five minutes, but would dress up like forever. One second I’d ask my brother, “Do I look fat?”; the next second, “Do I look okay?”. If someone tells me that I look fat, I won’t eat (my bulimia is another issue); I rarely accept invitations on swimming parties. Even at my closest friends’ houses, I put pants. It would not matter if I wear pants because I really like to, but it’s so unfortunate that it’s because I’m afraid to show my legs.
The results? It reached a point in my life wherein I just wanted to disappear. I often pray to be a photograph, and ask why I was born this way. And yes, I become quiet when I’m surrounded with people who are blessed with physical beauty.
People call this insecurity, but I think it’s more than just that. Maybe I just need someone who’d say, “Hey, I like the way you are.” Maybe we need understanding.